..shots of whiskey last night (4), head’s pounding like a jackhammer! But it’s keeping my mind off of what I have to do tomorrow….so it’s serving a purpose. Don’t think I’ll take a belt tonight, though. Need to keep my head clear tomorrow. May go eat tonight, though. Don’t know where, but I have ideas. Thank God that I’m going to have some days off soon, going to need them! Fear of public speaking? HELL NO – never had it, never will! My main concern is how I’ll get through the subject – I’m still shocked that it happened! I mean, I’m one tough S.O.B., & have been through a lot, but I never expected one of my best friends to do shit like this – don’t get me wrong, I truly understand why he felt like he had to do it (physical pain), but it still sucks! I’ve been through suicide before a few times, but never with anyone this close. This frigging hurts! Shit, I don’t know why I’m thinking of this crap now! Everybody thinks it was depression, but I’m convinced it was otherwise – just pure physical fucking pain – because he was not a heavy drinker, he didn’t focus on negative things, he didn’t have violent tendencies, he was outgoing, he was friendly, he continually was concerned about how people were doing, & just a generally all-around good guy!